More Simply Human

I mostly hear the wish articulated by men. Or by women, telling me about things men have said to them. The wish is a sweet one: it’s a wish to be loved unconditionally–a wish that no matter what you do or say, no matter how you act or how you treat another person, you are deserving of a pure through-and-through irrevokable kind of love. Perhaps for men especially, this lovely little idea has been delivered, in promise form, for generations. And who, generally speaking, is the presumed deliverer of this unstoppable love? Women, in general (beginning with mothers, in specific).

As you can tell from my sarcastic tone, I don’t like this idea. It is antithetical to my understanding of the nature of interpersonal love.

Whenever I hear mentioned a right to unconditional love, I cringe inside. Why, I wonder, should love be unconditional? Would someone really want to receive a love that is so freely given that it has no contitions at all? Would they not want to feel that they deserve the love they get? That they are treating others in a way that warrants love? And what of the giver? Is she to think so little of herself that she will love someone no matter how they treat her? Simply because? And to complicate matters further, any woman who would love a man for this reason, simply because, is generally frowned-upon by the other men in her life. She should have standards. She shouldn’t accept just anything. Doesn’t she care about herself?

The expectation of unconditional love is imbued with arrogance. Thich Naht Hahn famously defined love as, simply, “understanding.” You cannot claim to love someone until you understand them. And once you deeply get another person, love is often inevitable. But understanding takes time, patience, curiosity, openness, and, often, non-defensiveness. However, once you give another person your undivided attention and deeply listen, love is there. Once you meet the conditions of love, you will get it.

I believe there must be conditions to love. I believe love requires reciprocal listening and hearing. If you are angry at someone in your life because they are “complaining” or “nagging” or not giving you the love that you fantasize about deserving, then check yourself. If you want to feel loved, start with asking to learn more about the person whose love you want. Listen unconditionally, with a wish to know what it’s like to be them. Suspend your ego and I promise you, love will come. And with it, closeness and pride.

WHY WE WANT LOVE TO BE CONDITIONAL:

-Conditional Love builds empathy

-Contitional Love requires reciprocity

-Conditional Love implies relational effort

-Conditional Love invokes self-esteem

-Conditional Love embodies pride and respect

We all need to build a practice conditional love. If you want to get love, give listening. Give curiosity. Give openness. Seek to understand. We must breed the conditions that foster love if we are to overcome the growing societal threats to human relatedness. So, please, if someone in your life is seeking understanding, don’t lean on the fantasy of unconditional love as a way to silence them. Instead, suspend your ego and listen. Pour in the love you want; you may not get it back any other way.