Pain and the Capacity to Love

“Our capacity for whole-heartedness can never be greater than our willingness to be broken-hearted.” -Brene Brown

I recently listened to two different NPR interview podcasts. The first was an interview of Brene Brown, who researches and writes about vulnerability. The second was a discussion with Tich Nhat Hahn, a Buddhist monk, teacher, author, and advocate for peace. Both interviews shared one common theme: that suffering is necessary for meaningful human connection. Tich Nhat Hanh said, quite plainly, “I would not want to live in a world without suffering.” Why? Because, he said, there can be no compassion without suffering.

Recently, a supervisee of mine made an astute observation. She was reflecting on the work we do as psychologists, and remarked that one thing that sucks about our shared career is that our own pain is a requirement of the work. It is impossible to help another person to heal if you have not suffered yourself.  What she meant is that we relate better to people’s pain by having felt our own.  When we can bear our own suffering, it is easier to endure another’s.

Of course, this is true outside of the consulting room as well. When I am having a hard time, it is only people who have allowed themselves to feel their pain who help me to feel better. People who know suffering, those who have not shied away from it but have let it move through them, are the ones we know we can turn to when times are tough. These brave and strong souls always have the courage to walk with us through our hardest times. You can rely on them. They know pain. They do not fear pain. They know pain is a part of life. They know pain is never permanent. They know that pain makes us stronger. And they sympathize with a strength you can trust.

As I have thought more about this, it strikes me that one of the great outcomes of our own suffering is that it builds our capacity for love.  The more difficulties we endure and overcome in our own lives, the more patient and compassionate we become with others.  Our pain helps us to relate.  This thought brings me a great peace of mind, for it means that our hardships, awful as they may be, can lead us to greater connectedness with each other.  If we do not run from our painful feelings, but instead experience them, we will help each other to heal.

This is the wise message of Brene Brown and Tich Naht Hahn.  And it is deeply true.  Don’t flee your pain.  Instead, allow yourself to feel it and to heal.  Because your healing heals us all.

© 2015 Stephanie A. Heck, Ph.D.

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