Ugly Feelings

Yesterday, I attended a lecture given by renowned relational psychoanalyst Jody Davies. Her talk focused on what she calls “the dark side of psychoanalysis.” In it, she made the point that therapists can only help their patients to heal when they are able to accompany them into their darkest places and resonate with their hardest feelings. And this can only happen, she said, when the therapist herself knows and accepts her own darkness; only then is she able to help her patient face and overcome his own.

While I was listening to Dr. Davies, I started to think about how this is true in all relationships (not just therapeutic ones). I wondered: what impact does it have when Person A views herself as only “nice” or “good” when she is in a relationship? What does it do to her partner, Person B, especially when they disagree or argue? From what I have seen in my life and work, Person B is left in a terrible position. When Person A denies or disavows her bad or mean parts, then Person B is stuck with all of the negativity and blame that can’t be shared between them. But, when Person A comes to accept her own negativity or destructiveness, the picture changes. Once this happens, no one is only nice, and no one is only mean. Things even out. And the relationship typically improves.

Being familiar with our darker selves unburdens our relationships and connects us more deeply to each other. For this to happen, though, we need to allow ourselves to feel tough emotions such as anger, fear, envy, greed, sadism, irritation, contempt, and disgust (to name a few). Only through experiencing and owning our so-called “ugly feelings” (Ngai, 2007) will we be able to bear and forgive them in others.  (Owning them also prevents us from acting them out destructively!)  And, what is more, experiencing and accepting our own dark ugliness makes our relationships more equal and free.

My mentor, Nancy McWilliams, frequently reminds me and her other mentees that “we all have the capacity for all of it.” What she means is that we are all capable of having any kind of feeling, be it good, bad, easy, or painful. It is this capacity that makes us human, after all. And I would argue that the more we know and accept this truth–that we all can feel all of it–the better we will get along.

©2014 Stephanie A. Heck, Ph.D.

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